Which Way to Run

There’s points in ones life where we embody the things we despise, because we’ve spent too much time thinking about it. How many times do I have to acknowledge the negatives before I realize that giving even that much energy to them takes away from energy better used to focus on the positives?

I believe now that there’s a fundamental difference between denial and degrading the importance of a thing. Denying you have a problem is a separate beast from knowing the problem is there, but not giving it anything to feed on. I’m thinking of this along the lines of riding a motorcycle. If you look at the pothole in the road, you’re gonna hit it. So you’ve gotta watch the road ahead.

Loss hurts. It generates palpable pain. Ruminating on that loss keeps the pain alive.

Gotta watch the road ahead… even if you hit the pothole.

Dancing with The Devil on my friends 40th

Tonight is my friends 40th birthday party. I considered not going for a while… but this is one of my closest friends.

My friend and I are notorious drinkers; pounding enough alcohol (each) to poison a small village. We’re also notorious drunk Alphas. After pounding the alcohol, we use the buzz to get in each others faces and vent our feelings. It gets aggressive, and at rare times, physical.

I gotta be honest – I’m fucking scared.

My drunken aggression has moved passed interacting with my friend. It now affects the people I love. My friend and I can handle it… we’re perfectly matched in the fucked-up-idiot department. Those I love should never have to deal with me in this state. But inevitably they do. It’s times like now that I wonder how I’m not alone in the world; why people still put up with me. I can’t answer for them, but I certainly feel grateful.

So – what do I plan to do tonight? Obviously stuffing down my fears and insecurities isn’t an option. They’ll just resurface once I’m too drunk to keep my guard up. Not drinking is not an option. Mainly because I enjoy it… right up until I don’t. And moderation is for people with healthy psyches. Nor am I just going to sit there and hope for the best.

Tonight I’m going to manage best I can. I’m going to begin by writing out (right here) that I’m hurt. I’m angry. I don’t feel up to the task of being a responsible human. But I will never say, “die”. Life could be better and I’m upset that I’m not taking more control over that. I don’t feel like I have the balls to stop being a “yes man” because I’m afraid I’ll lose the people I love most if I say, “no”. My girlfriend is too good for me and everybody knows it. My solution is to make her so miserable that the above statement becomes true, apparently. My mom called me a “pussy” when I was 9 (why the fuck does that still hurt!!!!????). I refuse to share the blame. It’s all my fault. I know it’s not, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let myself be convinced of that. I’m a tiny, tiny child stuck in an overwhelming and cold world. And to top it all off, I have a twitch in my leg!!!!!!

There. I said it. Maybe if I get it out now, I can just have fun tonight.

I’m going to go home with my first negative thought. People aren’t going to like it, but they’ll like me even less if I stay and repeat old patterns.

Happy Birthday, bro.

Wish me luck.