What Would Bill Do?

So there’s this friend of mine… we’ll call him, “Bill”

Bill believes my polyamorous life is an “abomination”.
He says this, then hits on my girlfriends. He lets such words escape his mouth, then he sends me photos of his mistress so as to hide them from his wife. Bill is a close friend; a confidant; indeed, he is my brother in every typical, male, testosterone-driven sense of the word.

There are a few other Bills in my life. Not quite as close as my bro… but their sense of disapproval (and sometimes jealousy) permeates my life. I believe they’re all confused.

I don’t make an attempt to defend my poly life. For one, I’ve only been at it for a couple of years. For two, I’ve only just recently identified with polyamory proper. But even since the days of dating Nadine my male friends have met my relationship choices with frankly disturbing reactions; on-the-fly judgments and quips about how I’m being unnatural or a dog.

These are the same friends that cheat on their partners and brag about it. These are the same friends that couldn’t hold a dyadic relationship together if their eternal souls depended on it. And it’s the two-faced-ness in which these judgments are delivered that gets under my skin just a tad. Because Bill loves me as a brother, I understand that he’s looking out for my best interest. After all, if being hurt by one woman puts me under for a month (or three) – how much more if I’m hurt by two?? I even understand the jealousy of some of the other Bills in my life. There aren’t enough attractive, understanding, rock-and-roll women in the world. Therefore I’m being selfish by taking two off the market.

My relationship with my loves is founded on absolute communication and brutal honesty. So long as everyone in the relationship upholds those standards, no one will ever get cheated on. Nor will they feel the need to cheat. We won’t want to hide things from each other. There will never be a need for covering tracks, paying in cash, getting caught in traffic, working late, ad nauseum. Sharing that you met somebody interesting, or was given a number, or even asked on a date will be met with playful banter, as opposed to suspicion and passive-aggressive comments. Each day is met with a sense of  granite security. Our burdens are shared, and therefore lighter; more manageable.

So does that make us better people? Are we more humane because we have the courage to disclose to our lovers that we feel temptation, infatuation, lust, or any other emotion for another? Not really. Any one of us can become complacent and feel the desire to stray. Our difference is that we give those we love the opportunity to say their peace. That peace could be anywhere from open resentment to confident approval. We’re willing to take that chance.

I believe people lie about having external desire, even cheating, because they really don’t want to hurt their significant other. And this is due to the socialized notion that “I love you” really means, “I own you”. Indeed it may just be that the one doing the transgressing may have just wanted to share a personally joyful moment with the one(s) they love. They may not have had the desire to cheat. But that’s where suspicion and insecurity wreak their havoc.

All in all it doesn’t hurt me when my friends judge my life. Their words are a result of years of maladaptive thinking. Not to say that monogamy or the notion of one-woman-one-man are maladaptive. Rather the idea that one can be unfaithful and omissive without consequence. It’s more socially acceptable to fuck around on your partner on the D-to-the-L, than it is to look someone you claim to love in the face and say you want more.